What I Am Up To These Days

The thing I really like these days is FM radio I listen to when I drive around. They play such good songs. And new songs always keep coming. I really need them because the driving around can be a lot. Whoa!, you might say. From fear of driving to driving around a lot? I am carried away because of the newfound freedom (which means ability to drive + ownership of a credit card + new friends). I have literally been painting the town red driving here-n-there to shop, window shop, meet friends, pick up medicines or even visit the doctor. It’s an opportunity to dress up, go out, meet people, talk to someone and explore new roads. I am no longer afraid of new freeways, one-way roads or long distances. I tune the radio to a good, latest song and drive on. 15 miles or 25, they turn out to be fun. There are days when I drive as much as 60 miles a day.

Time is flying. It’s been 2 months since my semester at college ended. Where did these 2 months go? Most probably on the road and in stores! After my obsession with home decoration slowed down, the kick of meeting and making new friends seeped in. I started meeting classmates, fellow bloggers and realized I was still social. Why, I thought so many months of solitude and self-centeredness would have made me a complete recluse. But no, I found myself getting along well with several and we met more than once. Because of them, I saw new places, came to know of new stores and restaurants and soon, I start telling At about new stores I discovered and bring good deals home.

Life seems more and more complete and busy each day. Such that I die for some breathing time. Such that I put my hands up one day, flustered, and tell At to just take the car away so that I do not go out at least on one day of the week.

When I am not loitering around, I cook, clean the house, organize stuff, search Pinterest for home decor ideas, laze around, admire my little balcony garden and listen to music. Basically, am turning into a complete homemaker which is bothering At a lot. So you did nothing again today. I haven’t seen you touch your books since your college has ended. Why are you wasting your time and talent like this?

He is right. The shine of shopping on my own (even if it’s plain grocery shopping), meeting new people and looking at a clean, organized house is growing fainter each day. Every day, after the little routine of making breakfast, cleaning up and admiring the balcony garden is done, I feel aimless. I have nothing to do!

In the evenings, after At is back, we take a long walk around the golf course in our neighbourhood, watch Law & Order: Criminal Intent or some hindi movie and have a gala meal (cooked by me of course!).

Weekends are always busy. Eating out, major shopping, social visits and some more shopping.

Today, we have had a great breakfast of Egg Fry & Chicken-Cheese-Spinach sausage, followed by a visit to the flea market that had great music and food and finally, hot simple lunch at home while watching Law & Order.

I wish life was always so easy.

Driving Towards Freedom

One of the biggest pain points for me here has been driving. Back in January, in a bout of frustration of not being able to move around on my own, I compelled At to let me drive his car. Of course, the rules unnerved me but I wanted to give it a try. Handling the car or the city roads wasn’t difficult. I was confident until I went to the freeway (yes, on Day 1). I freaked out. I didn’t know what I was doing. I would press the brake on the fast track freeway in a moment of panic and At would yell – DO NOT BRAKE ON THE FREEWAY. The speed totally unnerved me. I wouldn’t go beyond 40 mph and At would panic again – SPEED! SPEED! Changing lanes was a nightmare. I confused people, I drove between lanes and people honked behind me. Someone must have showed me the finger too.

I gave up.

At pestered me again to start driving. Less confident this time, I tried again. Sometimes I sailed and was happy. Ah. Of course I could do it. I will start driving here in no time. Until some giant sized truck would threaten me from behind or the speeding cars would freak me out again.

I started avoiding driving. One whole month of April went without me sitting behind the wheel.

My cousin came for a week in May and I either took her around in buses or waited for At to take us around. I hated myself for being so scared and unsure of my own abilities. Why, I had heard of girls beginning to drive here within days of arrival!

I was used to be a good driver. Back in India, I was admired for my driving skills. You drive better than a man. And here I was so unconfident.

Then one day, after too much chewing over, I gave it a try again and I was good. I attacked this ‘issue’ with vigour and felt so good about myself.

Such that one day At, tired of being the only driver, asked me to take the car on my own to college. And I agreed. Not that I was totally confident. Nope. I was just tired of being so unsure and doubtful. I was tired of being a burden. I had had enough of friends and classmates dropping me off here and there. I was tired of being so dependant.

I did take the car alone to college. I did well. And I was miraculously good at sewing that day. See how a little confidence boost can do wonders to a person’s entire morale!

Having done well on college-home route, I needed to move on. The whole continent moves on GPS. I had to fall in line too. And thus began my rendezvous with unknown roads. I used GPS to travel to newer places, At suddenly freed of half the responsibilities – grocery store, doctor visits, entertaining guests – I could do it all on my own now.

My whole feeling changed! I felt empowered. Everything looked more beautiful now. I was no longer a stranger; I finally belong here! I hold a space of land and road here; I am something here.

And yet again, I am a good driver.

So confident was I (and At), that I went to my final driving test alone. Despite all the anxiety, I was so sure I would clear. What I did not realize was, I totally missed the window of doubt. Even after a smooth 15 minutes ride in my car, the stone faced examiner said try again next time. He left the evaluation sheet on the passenger seat and left. I was speechless. What just happened? Unsatisfactory, I saw ticked on the sheet. Nooo, is this for real??

They failed me! I wailed over phone to At. That’s okay, its common here, he said.

No! It cannot happen with me! I was (err… am) a good driver!

I brooded. Complained to all my friends. I bit my pride and told them I had failed.

But unlike earlier, this brooding didn’t last long. After a couple of hours, I was back to normal, doing other things. Yet another ‘down’ of the various ‘ups and downs’ here. This will pass too.

Like M very nicely put – the good thing about bad times is that they change.

2 Months Here

Valentine’s Day had a new meaning for me this year. Rather, it had some meaning this time (after being treated as just another day for so many years). Not that I have much confidence in this concept. It’s just about making someone’s day special and feeling good about it yourself. So, pre Valentine evening found me cook up a gala dinner and 14^th morning saw me gifting a self-made card to At, surprising him like hell.

Even college instructors tried making the day special, despite all the long classes and tedious work. They generously gave us loads of heart shaped chocolates (which I shamelessly hogged).

14^th Feb holds a special meaning for me for another reason too. I completed 2 months in the U S of A on this date! I will proudly say that I got into groove pretty quickly. From being a lost confused girl, who didn’t know how to pass her day, lest her husband took her out, to a confident girl who has her hands full and plans her routine (including dinner menus) in advance.

Joining college has helped me a lot in this. I am meeting new people, making fresh impressions and making my own set of friends (and not just moulding myself in already made friend circles and trying to adjust to already set norms). I made my first friend, my very own, in my class. S is Indian and a very helpful, sweet girl. She is a companion all the time and a saviour in many times.

From being a total newbie in the kitchen, not knowing how to cook anything except coffee, I have come a long way. From coffee to French Toast to Bhindi-aloo sabzi to various Pulaos to Cream Of Spinach soup. I am proud of the progress I have made in the kitchen.

Soon after coming here, I battled with weight increase, hair fall and skin issues. All a part of the change over, probably. I fought them. Doctors helped, so did the internet. And here I am. 2 kgs lost in 2 months, hair fall problem gone, skin issues gone.

My routine is set. I know when to cook, when to do my homework, when to chat with friends and when to exercise. I know what to eat and what not to eat. My will power did not go weak when we went to an Indian mithai outlet yesterday. Of course, the rasmalais and namkeens and nankhatais reminded me of home but they also reminded me of the 5 kgs I put on in the last 3-4 months.

When I am not in college, I am doing assignments at home, organizing my college materials / stationery and cooking up a feast. Those 4 days of free time pass in a daze. I overwork myself at college, working hard and carrying all the heavy books around, and overwork myself at home doing cooking experiments.

After ages, I am actually enjoying a holiday today. I can’t remember the last time I sat down peacefully in the sun enjoying some hot chocolate.

Somehow, I don’t mind being on the busy side of life, either.

Student Again

I opened the only notepad I own currently. My last company’s notepad given to me by a colleague friend. The notepad opened on an already written page. It contained a list. Bread, brinjals, tomato puree, black cumin seeds. Oh. The groceries list.

For a moment I was lost. And confused.

The Fashion Drawing class instructor’s voice interrupted my thoughts. I turned the page till I got a fresh page.

A fresh page. A fresh beginning.

I sat among the odd bunch of younger (very young) students. Being used to be the youngest of the lot, being one of the oldest was…. awkward. But here, no one cares. People from all races, age groups and backgrounds come to study the same courses for different reasons. A cosmetologist leans sewing and patternmaking for hobby. An elderly lady learns the same thing because she is already so good with sewing at home. Some people can barely talk English. Some are peculiar. In fact, each person is peculiar for the other. To be true, no one really cares.

And this encourages me to open up quicker and more easily.

We are told about course contents, grading patterns, assignments (weekly, by the way) and a whole list of hundreds of equipment, material and supplies needed. Whoever led us to think that Fashion Designing is glamorous and fun was joking with us. I cannot imagine myself as a clever prospective designer everyone will envy. I visualize myself running around from sewing machine to sewing machine, trying to put pieces of cloth together, looking at fantastic designs of other students, perspiring, fretting, not having eaten anything since ages because there is no time to save my life, and going totally blank in the end.

I will learn to make such illustrations in my Fashion Drawing class. Possible?

After years of listening to lectures (rather, staring at the professor blankly), this seems like real hard work. There are scary looking machines, peculiarly shaped instruments, 20 types of pencils, pens and markers, dangerous life-threatening sharp equipments and a confusing array of paper. All of these threaten to kill my dream, my passion. Suddenly my good taste in fashion and excess wardrobe seems so meaningless.

While I spoke to few classmates to gather information and exchange opinions, I spent all my free time wandering about the building (the cold and wind made it all so tough). I looked for a place to have my lunch (a simple home made sandwich), spoke to At and read a book in that 1.5 hours break. I spent some time wandering about the empty corridors. So silent was this building that one could hear each approaching footstep clearly. In the evening, after sunset, the place looked almost eerie.

Despite the intimidating lab and unnerving course outline, the dream in my eyes hasn’t died. Applied Arts and Sciences. I read this heading above all doorways I passed with pride. I am a part of the Arts department, I thought, my heart swelling with pride. Cheer up, I told myself. This is where you always wanted to be.

What Blogging Means To Me

When I look at my older posts, I feel seriously embarrassed. I mean, what was I thinking when I wrote them? They seem so childish and immature! And often, forced. Lately, I have been thinking of the way my attitude towards blogging and the kinds of posts I write have evolved. There has been a change. I started off with writing things people wrote. I followed blogs that got lot of votes or comments even though I didn’t like what and how they wrote. I commented on posts I didn’t relate to. I read about how to get more traffic and earn money with blogging.

Soon, the blogs I read got narrowed down. I did not comment just for the heck of it. I wrote as and when I felt like; whenever there were some real thoughts to dispose off.

I found my own blog space.

I shut down my food blog, where I used to write restaurant reviews. I shut down my old fashion blog that was on Blogger and made another one on WordPress (this one has also evolved hugely in the last 1.5 years).

I am the happiest with my travel blog. It has been most active and popular. I developed a proper niche for myself by writing about places, restaurants in and around Baroda, exhibitions and events – something no one else had been / is doing.

As for this personal blog, yes, this one transformed too. I no longer write for popularity. I write for myself. This blog has become my public diary. I do not aspire to be a famous blogger who writes great things about politics, art or the like. I just want to share my thoughts and little things about my life, hoping someone out there is listening. It is wonderful writing about challenges, dilemmas of life and have unknown people drop in concern, good luck and advice.

I can conclude one thing. One cannot seek, aim for popularity. Any amount of networking will not help. The only thing that will is passion. My travel blog is a live example. I wrote about Gujarat because I love that state. It is my home state and I love everything about it. I started showcasing Gujjuland to the rest of the world. I spent energy, time and efforts in learning photography on my own, visiting places and writing about them. The effort, genuineness and passion shows in the blog. My pictures speak.

Passion, my friends, dedication and desire to be better are the only things that pay – in any aspect of life – job, relationship or hobby.

Blogging is more than just a hobby (at least for me). It is a job. An important aspect of life. A great way to learn and make friends. A great way to widen horizons.

During my last week in Baroda, I went to a handicrafts exhibition where I was moving around clicking snaps (with the intention of writing about the event and the organizing body) and one of the organizers asked me who I was. I held my head high and said, I am a Blogger. And what do you think happened then? I was given VIP treatment! I was invited to their workshop, told more about their activities and given lot of attention!

Serious, sincere blogging pays in different ways.

 

Shifting Gears Again

This year has brought (or rather, is bringing) a big, BIG change in my life. I am shifting gears. I am making an unimaginable shift. After spending close to 7+ years in Human Resources and industrial products manufacturing companies, I am switching to Apparel and Fashion Designing! Didn’t I make many jaws drop and eyebrows shoot up? Impossible! Crazy move! But this is the plain fact. I am finally making my dream come true (much of the credit goes to At for encouraging me, leading me into this). I start classes from Monday. After studying Management fundas that were mostly full of air and not much substance, I am coming down to pure skill building. Working in a lab with mannequins, cloth, thread, needles and sewing machines. After attending the department’s orientation session last evening, I realized fashion designing is far from glamorous. No, I cannot dress up and wear good shoes to college because I will be running around and working in that scary looking lab. I cannot think beyond sneakers there.

The session also made me realize that my easy days are over. Till now, even though I was at home all the time, I just whiled away my time browsing the internet, listening to music, chatting endlessly with some selected few friends in US. I did no or little work, sparing some mediocre cooking that I did if and when I felt like. I am sure when I am neck deep into assignments and struggling with the sewing machine (which is something I haven’t touched till date) I will want to be an idle dependant housewife again.

To make the most of the remaining 4 days, that I have before my classes start, I have listed down on a few things that I MUST do without wasting more time. Here they are:

1. Cook something different every day. My cooking went from bad to worse lately and I concluded I can never be a good cook. But still, I want to keep going while I have time, energy and inclination.

2. Practice walking in heels. Yes! I have ended up buying some 4 pairs of high heels and if I have to wear them outside, I need to practice right now at home!

3. Learn the manual focus function of my SLR. Take few pictures (the ones I have been thinking about since ages) to practice the same.

4. Touch base with all friends and family members I have totally lost touch with due to my laziness. Anyway, after yesterday’s session, I am quite clueless about my future state. I better contact everyone now itself!

Enough work for 4 days, I guess!

After Monday, I will have new stories to tell. Stories from a world unfamiliar to most of us.

Coming Out Of Shell

It gets very lonely here sometimes – a cousin in another city of US told me once. Hang on to whatever friends you have or can get.

US is another world. In order to be happy here, I need to unlearn what I knew and was in my past life and pick up things here. That’s the only way one can enjoy this life. So if I go to a New Year party and don’t drink or dance, I will be labelled mad (this actually happened with me). I need to sit with a drink in hand at gatherings. I need to shop and eat out keeping in mind deals and discounts. I need to be more social, open and extrovert; being the introvert that I am will not help.

The initial few days were very difficult here for an extreme independent, self centred person like me. Of course, girls would want to have a husband who does most work, takes big-small decisions and drives her around for shopping but that didn’t make me happy. It was difficult for me to be a prolonged guest. It pricked to be sitting around doing nothing – in someone else’s house – while he did everything. I kept questioning myself – What is your contribution? What is your worth?

While elders advised me to ‘build my own home’ and focus on new relationship, transform from Me to Us, I am struggling to make my identity in this new country full of strangers. Who am I here now? An insignificant nothing? How can Us be complete if one I is incomplete? And I will feel complete when I feel well achieved. When I feel something.

In the last few days, I experimented with cooking. No world cuisines or delicacies. Simple ghar ka khana. Some were ok, some were inadequate. But I felt happy for achieving something. I gave myself a challenge and fulfilled it. The next target is to be better at it. This new challenge has been driving my days. Every day I look forward to cooking a new sabzi.

The other day, I ventured out into the neighbourhood on my own. That was a big step. I don’t know what was stopping me from walking out and getting lost? Isn’t that the only way of discovering?

Of course, there is the marriage. With a person who is on a totally different plane than me. That does take away half of my energy. Still, to feel content, I try to make the most of my me-time. I talk to old friends, try connecting with new friends, try cooking, read and write.

Between all the keeping-busy, there are moments of nothingness. That’s when I realize life is lonely. When I am wide awake during the day, every one else in India is fast asleep. I have been used to having people around me all the time – colleagues, neighbours, friends, family. Suddenly, there is no one.

It does get lonely here.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even think of my past life. Yeah, I have begun to call it past life. There is no point mixing it up with new life. The two can’t merge. The components of my past life need not find their way in here. This world is different from the other. And to be happy here, I need to forget the other one.

* * * *

Hello To Old Me

I am not a religious person. Not an atheist either. I am just not the type who would visit temples, believe in a certain God or fast on festivals. I do not know much about festivals or religious procedures either; am quite ignorant when it comes to religion. But at times, I like going to temples just because I find the pooja area pretty – especially the decorated, bejewelled deity, the soothing incense fragrance and the general quiet. I visited our society Ganpati aarti today. I was just drawn towards it. Orange and green lights led me to the pooja pandal and there sat the most beautiful and serene Ganeshji idol dressed in yellow. The whole area was magical. I stood among the crowd, soaking in the lovely aroma and absorbing God’s power. I felt at peace. I let myself loosen up and free my mind of negative scrap.

At this stage of my life, I need strength. And peace and empowerment. Not so much blessings but I was looking for strength to hold myself straight in all situations while maintaining my dignity and ethics.

One of the reasons I never chanted God’s name all the time was I always feel it is me who has to handle situations. It is me who has to fight my battle based on my own capability. It is me who makes mistakes and has to cope up with them. I cannot depend on someone stronger or imaginary, like God, to take care of me. All I can do is ask God for strength.

And that is what I did today.

I am happier nowadays. Not because I am suddenly happy with the turn of events but because I have decided to take back charge of my life. I may be scared or unhappy with what is happening with me but I cannot just sit and watch my life go by – getting handled by others. My life is my own and I will dictate it. I am slowly building faith in myself. Yes, new things are happening in my life and I haven’t gone through these before. But I will surely be able to handle them ably. I will learn to.

Of course, this would not have been possible without my fantastic friends, who are angels of my life. They showed me the way, brought me out of slump. Going forward, I know my friends will always hold me up.

Being at peace with myself is so much better. Issues at work do not hassle me. My productivity is perhaps better. I sing on my own while driving instead of glaring at or hurling abuses at other drivers. Of course, I continue to get irritated by lousy drivers but I am not spewing venom either. I am attacking each pending task and fighting procrastination valiantly. I have started going out instead of hiding myself inside my house along with multiple worries. I am reading, writing, dressing well and photographing again.

My old self is back again. Hooray!

Taking One More Tough Step

This is not an easy step; it aggrieves me, and yet this is essential for my life.

No. Too dramatic.

I also thank my colleagues who have been so supportive and helpful and hence made my stay here so memorable.

No. Sounds like a vacation-ending mail.

Never knew typing my resignation letter would be so difficult. Difficult for a person who has seen hundreds of resignation letters being passed around carelessly. Some months and years back, I was waiting for this day – the day when I would type out my own letter and hand over to my boss jubilantly (or throw it on his face with a big smirk on my face). This was the ultimate feeling of liberation I had wished to achieve.

And yet, when the moment came (after I had already delayed it for a month), I felt heavy. I wanted to slap myself hard for even trying to write a resignation letter. This office has been like home – where I had friends who took care of me and I felt comfortable. This is where I learnt to be responsible (and powerful and bossy) and won accolades for it in return. Three years, two promotions, numerous runs to the printer to collect confidential letters, several hours of bitching about seniors and cursing company policies, it is time for me to end it all with a lot of remorse.

After months of shouting myself hoarse about hating Corporate, I am actually cherishing my last few days here. You never know the value of something till it is snatched away from you. I still dislike Corporate but I love the people the work with right now. They are not just colleagues, they are my confidants. They know about little things of my life – maid problem, room-mate problem, family problem, health problem, fears of mind, apprehensions of future, travel plans, shopping plans – they know it all and never hesitate to offer help, advice or protection. With such a team around, I never had to worry about anything; I never had to feel lonely.

I realized that a majority of my closest friends are people I met at work. And they will remain the closest to my heart.

When I joined this organization 3 years back, I had just escaped from a horrible organization. This company was like re-birth for me. Good people, good work culture, good location. I have seen people gaping in admiration when I would reveal my company name. This company made me feel proud about myself. The first year, I just drifted. It was only in the second year that I took on my new role with rigour and dedication. I struggled, fell but never gave up. Incidentally, I had agreed to take up this new role only because I did not want to say No (everyone else had said No). I did curse my luck many times during the next 2 years but I do admit that I turned into a confident lady only because of the excess responsibility I handled. My boss gave me enough authority to go with the responsibility and this made me not just responsible and confident but also powerful and in some way, arrogant.

But believe me, it works in some situations – for example, for the work I do. It is required.

And I enjoyed the power. I would never have been able to handle so many situations and people with poise and self assurance had it not been for the past 2 years. This job has prepared me for life.

They say, only if you let go of something good do you allow something better to come in. Hard to believe right now that there can be anything more comforting and joyful than the safe enclosure of my workplace.

Winds Have Changed Directions

They say marrying late isn’t good. You start loving your freedom too much and domesticating is difficult. That’s what it was for me. after years of running away, making excuses and avoiding driving myself into ‘perceived hell’, I have fallen prey to the marriage bug and life has never been simple since.

I remember those several alliances I rejected quoting reasons like ‘I don’t like his name’ and those I tried giving a chance to. I have been immature and wild. Those poor, unsuspecting men who were looking for a tame woman who would come and cook for them and turn their drab bachelor sheds into warm homes were in for a surprise. This lady here was too fast and wild for them. I distressed them by telling them I couldn’t cook and confused them by telling I wanted to shift careers but didn’t know what. They ultimately ran away thanking their stars for nudging them towards escape before it was too late.

My poor parents fretted and complained every time I scared away another ‘good boy’ (who exactly is a good boy, according to them, I would very much want to know).

The thing was something just did not click with all the specimens I was expected to get together with. They repulsed me. I cringed when they called. I askedthem not to call. I said I preferred to chat online (so that they couldn’t sense my disgust). Moreover, I wasn’t ready. It’s not that it clicked very well with At and I plunged into this web happily. I almost ran away into the safe embrace of my satisfactory single life. Why should I dig my own grave? Then I thought of my parents’ expectations and wondered how long this process would continue if I reject this one alliance too (unless I run away to Nigeria without informing my parents) and said Yes.

There. Chapter closed.

‘The One’. Identified. Trapped.

I told myself, what the hell have you done, invited a storm into your life?! I was in a shock for a week or so. Refused to talk to anyone about it. Over enthusiastic friends and family members wanted to know the what, how and when of the whole story but I was blank. I was getting cold feet. I wanted to turn back time. Spending life with a stranger? This is not 1970!

What if we had been ‘talking’ for the last 3 months? I took it as it came. I did not think it would conclude to us having ‘The Talk’ one day to make THE decision of our lives, ‘The Talk’ is exactly when I wanted the earth to swallow me.

Family and friends were delighted. I am SO happy for you! I heard a hundred times. When will I feel happy for myself, I wondered. Happens, happens! said over-excited aunties; they simply couldn’t control their delight. I don’t think they were empathetic at all. They seemed to have forgotten their own pre-marriage woes. After a while, every time someone congratulated me, I thought they were only sneering at me.

Friends and family counselled and explained to me the brighter side, compelling me to be happy. I realized At was a mature and understanding individual. He had been courteous with my family and friends. My gut feel said he was okay. I had no reason to not like him. And well I have always wanted a life-partner whose name started from A. Moreover, he is taking a bigger risk marrying someone who is so visibly secretive, arrogant and cold. And can’t cook.

So, I have finally embarked on this new bittersweet thorny yet blissful path. It’s all about perception and how well you accept this concept. Ultimately, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.