I am the only one who can limit myself; no one else can. And that’s exactly what I have been doing. All I have been saying is ‘I cannot do it.’ Or ‘I don’t know anything’. ‘I am not as good’. I am probably being unfair to myself by restricting myself. Putting boundaries around myself. I may be depriving myself of certain happiness and moments if victory my pulling myself back. Where is my confidence? What makes me think that everyone else is better than me? Fine, I am modest. I don’t blow my own trumpet. I don’t show off. Most people don’t know what I am really made up of. But where is my own feeling of pride? Why do I look down on myself?
I am not looking for another job because I don’t like my profession much. I feel like I’m going to dislike all companies, all profiles alike and there’s no point in a change. I also feel that because my true passions are other things, I may not do well in my profession. Who knows? A better place, a better company might be out there which would interest me? Here I am, stuck in a hopeless, thankless job, I took up just because I didn’t want to refuse and come across as a shirker of work. No one else wanted this profile because this is quite a shitty job. Everyone has been asking me to go elsewhere as life would be better there but I refuse and stick to this low paying, thankless job. I realize it indeed is time to change.
Why do I not want to displease anyone? Why do I hold myself back in the fear of being at disagreement with someone else? Do I have to come in everybody’s good books? Even my friends’? They are supposed to understand me, right? Then can I not be myself before them? Yes, I am highly emotional. I go out of my way to reach out to my friends. And when I find them behaving otherwise, I lose it. I get offended! My friends must be tsk-tsking me behind my back.
I am good in so many things. Even if I am not good, I am passionate and dedicated, honest and modest. I don’t just say stuff; I do it. I am still uncertain about myself and my abilities. I hold on to people. I expect them to pamper me and comfort me all the time. Even after facing such a long struggle in life, I still project that I need care. I do not! I should not, rather. Especially after being subjected to so many difficulties in life, I shouldn’t been seeking support! Its time to change this.
We do need a support system around us in the form of friends and family but ultimately we are on our own. It is for us to form our own identity; to carve our own path of life; to decide what you want to become and do in life. We live only once. I realize we shouldn’t hold ourselves back. Show to the world what you are. Why do I dress up in rags and come to office many times. Or, dress up disinterestedly? Because I am generally bored and think – Who’s going to look anyway? And there’s my colleague, she dresses up like she’s being assessed everyday and has to dress up at her best. She is showing to the world what she is. What she has. And she is enthusiastic about it.
The moment has come when I have realized that many things in my life need to be changed. Not for anyone, but for me. No one will do it for me, but me.