I am not an unusual girl. And like all other girls, I have developed crushes during my teens.
I saw this guy in my colony (I shifted to Bombay after school for graduation) – tall, fair and masculine and fell for him instantly. Every time he came in front of me, my heart flipped. Not just that, my throat went dry, my heart beat faster and my mind went blank. Not impressive, right? Forget about making the right move, I couldn’t even speak a sentence properly in front of him!
In the 3 years of having that strong crush on him, I must have spoken to him some 5 times. Only. I made an utter fool of myself when I asked him his birthday and mail id. To top it all, I mailed him something which I don’t remember clearly but the memory is embarrassing enough.
I was crazy, that time. Crazy, immature and dreamy. I lived in some dreamland that was far, far from reality. My ‘relationship’ with him, all those years, had been in my mind. I thought, dreamt & envisioned. I became happy when I thought of a happy vision. I became sad when the reality struck me. I even married him in my dreams (requires lots of guts to admit that, I’m telling ya!). I was so happy in my dreamland that I did not even think of doing something sensible to get close to him. Or, become friends with him at least. I stalked him, almost. I kept a watch for him. Wondered where he was. I passed his house daily and hoped desperately for a single glimpse of him. And yeah, when I saw him, I scampered away with my jelly legs.
It’s been 7 years since I last saw him. I moved out of Bombay long back. After that, I have developed other friendships and relations. He was probably forgotten me. I would still feel awkward going in front of him because I know he will still think of me as some stupid weirdo. Got to live with what I was back then!
Found him on Facebook the other day and was delighted. I had heard from my Aunt that he had joined his father’s business (men’s clothing manufacturing) and had turned around the loss making company. I came to know from what I saw on Facebook that he has been opening stores all over Bombay and even participated in a textile exhibition in Wales. I felt good seeing that; felt happy for him.
Of course, I have no intentions of even trying to talk to him but it did bring back some old feelings. The reason why I write about this now is that I dreamt of him last night. He gave me such a high feeling in the dream! We met (seemed like we had just become friends) and we got close and he whispered that he has started liking me. And I very logically, maturely said – Let’s give time. And he consented saying he would soon like to tell everyone about me. And we kissed. That smashed the high feeling. What am I dreaming! Moreover, the kiss wasn’t good!
I woke up soon after and kept wondering and feeling awkward / embarrassed for a long time.
The wet weather outside is good enough to put me in a wistful mode. A thought flashes by my mind and a face, too, and I think – What was that? Who was it? Ah. Saurabh Pradhan. My first crush.