Jism 2 Review: Love, S*x or Dhokha? I am clueless.

The movie begins bang on with the sculpted nude back of phoren return Sunny Leone (Pooja Bhatt seems to be telling the audience in face – You came for this right? All right. Here it is!) introducing herself as Izna, a porn star. Her voice goes on to say how lonely and empty she feels and takes us through her tragic life. Her life hardly seems tragic when she takes her voluptuous body out of the bath tub, dresses in a half stripped red gown and goes into a dance club. She eyes Arunoday Singh, who is sitting there smiling stupidly, and leads him to a room upstairs. She loses no moment in dropping off her barely-there attire to a breathless and very desperate looking Arunoday Singh. Izna makes out with him in a manner that convinces you that she indeed is a porn star and this movie is likely to turn out into a porn movie.

How wrong were you!

We knew Jism 2 was going to be an erotic thriller, so there would be lots of skin show, thrill & perspiration. Instead, the movie revoked titters and lots of cackling. Our first gush of guffaw came when Sunny Leone wakes up in the morning to the sound of a singing male, looking totally confused, baffled and taken-aback and hiding her already much exposed bosom. C’mon, how did a girl, who blatantly picks up a guy in 5 minutes, feel shy all of a sudden?

A huge Ayan conveys to a still confused Izna about an important mission they need her for to which Izna very wooden facedly refuses. Ayan counter argues, childishly glowering, that she needs to do mulk ki seva and hence, become a part of this mission.

Our practiced porn star sees her opportunity here and hoists herself out of the sheets, as seductively as ever, and places her curvy self in front of Officer and says – Main mulk ki seva hi toh kar rahi hu apne kapde utaar kar’.

This had us in fits. Sorry, Pooja Bhatt.

‘Kab tak?! Kab tak in hotel rooms mein apni zindagi guzaarogi’, says Ayan, in forced anger, as if repeating a well-practiced dialogue on a school stage play. Ayan is protective of the damsel-in-distress already.

Worried Damsel violently heaves her bosom up and down and manages to spurt out a few lame dialogues. Later I will realize that that’s all she does throughout the movie.

Lady arrives in Sri Lanka, wearing what looks like a camisole with a blazer. Imagine having to meet Intelligence Bureau in this skimpy attire. Our Porn Star is only walking the talk, I suppose.

Her mission, as explained by Guru (Arif Zakaria, a very out of placed guy) is to enter Kabir’s (Randeep Hooda) bedroom and get hold of ‘data’ from his laptop. (What I would like to know is what is this data that Intelligence Bureau and CBI officials have been after since last 2 decades in Bollywood?). Kabir is an honest police officer turned terrorist (yawn) having killed hundreds of people and the Intelligence people, staying right beside him, are unable to catch hold of him and are helpless at the hands of a porn girl.

So, having heard about her job, Izna is speechless, never having had to do such a brainy, taxing job ever in her life; her profession never gave her scope for this. How could she cope with the demands of this job? Though she has excelled in fulfilling lot of other demands and has had men under thumb (and everything else), this is something uncalled for, isn’t it?

‘Tumhe sab kuch karna hoga. Sab kuch’ Guru says with a very meaningful look. You can almost sense him sneering (and lusting) inside. Probably this makes Izna feel better about her contribution and decides to give it a think.

Ayan follows like a confused child and Izna finally lets out the story with lot of chest throbbing.

Some years back, before porn happened, our lady here was shy, unsure and easily pushed around. She is paid by evils to deliver a bag to a drug gang and that’s where she encounters Kabir, a police officer then. Kabir is convinced she can never be a part of the gang because poor thing looks scared and shaky and picks up the chuttas fallen from her purse on the road painstakingly. Like a real honest man, he lets her go (keeping the symbolic coin) without refrain. But it’s the lady who feels estrogen rising and lands up at his doorstep with flowers and a letter written with blood (Apne dil ki shikayat khoon se kardi, bas ek shikayat hai ki kaash mere khoon ka rang mere ishq ki tarah gehra hota)

Demure Damsel is in love already.

A song and a massage later, Kabir is gone from her life.

‘Usse pyaar karna meri woh pyaas thi jisse pyaas bujhti thi meri.’ Lady concludes her story.

The USP of the movie is its corny dialogues. Dialogues that will defeat Nirupa Roy’s melodrama. Dialogues that will leave you in fits of laughter. Dialogues that will be the paisa vasool factor of the movie.

The indecisive Izna agrees to work on the ‘mission’, undulating between Ayan and Kabir. Since she is so stiff and the only expressions she can come up with are shock, furring of brows and a few misleading tears, we never get to know whom her feelings of love lie with. You might think it is Kabir after she says Hum dono ek doosre se jhooth bol sakte hain par iss jism ka kya karen?’ to Kabir. But when she kisses Ayan, you are lost all over again.

Meanwhile, Ayan has fallen in love the Lady. He resists his possessiveness and jealousy every time Izna speaks fondly of Kabir. And finally, when she packs her bags to go to Kabir, he stomps, cries out and acts like a stubborn 5 year old wanting ice cream from that hawker. Subsequent to this scene, Ayan is sullen and brooding, like he won’t rest till he gets his ice cream.

I won’t spoil the joy of watching this movie by revealing the twists and turns and climax for you; you might want to preserve some suspense, thrill for the end. You deserve it for enduring the movie.

Randeep Hooda, even with all the hotness he possesses that dragged worshippers like me to the movie hall, makes a horrible Gangster-cum-Devdas-in-making. I still worship him. I do. It’s just a wrong decision he made, I give him that benefit of doubt (Why, Randeep, why????). I could almost read his mind all the times he looked so longingly at Izna – What the hell am I doing here, sharing the screen with a third rate ‘actress’??!!

Arunoday Singh clearly needs to grow up.

Sunny Leone. Keep your mouth shut and bosom under control, please.

Girls. Watch this movie for the cheesy dialogues.

Guys. Go and watch Sunny Leone porn.