I looked at the time on my cell phone. The date turned 1 Nov the moment I lit it. 00:00 was the time displayed. I had been trying to sleep since 45 minutes. Sleep has eluded me since the last few days. No use. I got up and switched on my laptop.
I still can’t believe it’s time for me to move out. I have been taking my own time in making a packing and shifting plan. I hadn’t thought about it or planned it. Only when my landlords begged and cajoled me to pre-pone my moving out, because they committed someone else to come in, was I jolted out of my false perception of reality. Enough of running away, it is time to get moving.
Someone needed to pinch me. To wake me up.
I have been living between tailors and jewellery stores since the last 2 weeks. Last minute repairs and alterations are being done with the instruction ‘I do not have time. Give me back in 3 days’ time as I am moving out of Baroda’.
Really? I am?
I haven’t met people properly! I haven’t revisited all my favourite food joints! I haven’t bought all the things I wanted to for my future life! I see all those ‘plans’ slipping out of my hands. I see time slipping out of my hands. I am just running.
Cool down. There IS still time. Things can be managed. No hell is breaking loose.
The other day, an unsettling talk with my fiancé shook me up a bit. I spoke about how difficult it is for me to uproot my happily settled life (and some other embarrassing crap that I do not want to remember now). It was 11 pm after the call. I don’t know what pulled me towards my car then; and I went for a drive along my favourite roads. I just picked up my car keys and left – without my cellphone, licence or wallet. I went along R C Dutt Road and Race Course Circle. The watchmen looked at me curiously – they always do. They always stare at this single girl who fights like a tigress all the time, acts as snobbish as a queen and often dresses up in tiny clothes. But this was heights (for them, I am sure) – going out alone at 11 pm! What kind of a girl does that?
I wanted to embrace the city that has given me so much. I wanted to talk to it. I wanted to let the silence between us be the last conversation. In all the running around, finishing pending work and completing wedding preparation rituals, this stolen moment wouldn’t come back.
Sometime, I feel slightly warmed up about the approaching new life. There are so many good things that are waiting for me. An opportunity to pursue my hobbies, the much wanted break from Corporate life, life abroad, lots of time to read, blog and write (and an understanding life-partner who is bearing the brunt of my unstable, fanatical state).
I still am not convinced that the big shift is worth it; I am not sure. I am giving up a good life for something better? Something similar? Something difficult?
Only time will tell.