Tag Archive | dreams

Student Again

I opened the only notepad I own currently. My last company’s notepad given to me by a colleague friend. The notepad opened on an already written page. It contained a list. Bread, brinjals, tomato puree, black cumin seeds. Oh. The groceries list.

For a moment I was lost. And confused.

The Fashion Drawing class instructor’s voice interrupted my thoughts. I turned the page till I got a fresh page.

A fresh page. A fresh beginning.

I sat among the odd bunch of younger (very young) students. Being used to be the youngest of the lot, being one of the oldest was…. awkward. But here, no one cares. People from all races, age groups and backgrounds come to study the same courses for different reasons. A cosmetologist leans sewing and patternmaking for hobby. An elderly lady learns the same thing because she is already so good with sewing at home. Some people can barely talk English. Some are peculiar. In fact, each person is peculiar for the other. To be true, no one really cares.

And this encourages me to open up quicker and more easily.

We are told about course contents, grading patterns, assignments (weekly, by the way) and a whole list of hundreds of equipment, material and supplies needed. Whoever led us to think that Fashion Designing is glamorous and fun was joking with us. I cannot imagine myself as a clever prospective designer everyone will envy. I visualize myself running around from sewing machine to sewing machine, trying to put pieces of cloth together, looking at fantastic designs of other students, perspiring, fretting, not having eaten anything since ages because there is no time to save my life, and going totally blank in the end.

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I will learn to make such illustrations in my Fashion Drawing class. Possible?

After years of listening to lectures (rather, staring at the professor blankly), this seems like real hard work. There are scary looking machines, peculiarly shaped instruments, 20 types of pencils, pens and markers, dangerous life-threatening sharp equipments and a confusing array of paper. All of these threaten to kill my dream, my passion. Suddenly my good taste in fashion and excess wardrobe seems so meaningless.

While I spoke to few classmates to gather information and exchange opinions, I spent all my free time wandering about the building (the cold and wind made it all so tough). I looked for a place to have my lunch (a simple home made sandwich), spoke to At and read a book in that 1.5 hours break. I spent some time wandering about the empty corridors. So silent was this building that one could hear each approaching footstep clearly. In the evening, after sunset, the place looked almost eerie.

Despite the intimidating lab and unnerving course outline, the dream in my eyes hasn’t died. Applied Arts and Sciences. I read this heading above all doorways I passed with pride. I am a part of the Arts department, I thought, my heart swelling with pride. Cheer up, I told myself. This is where you always wanted to be.

Rebelling

Though I have a to-do list in which more items are getting added than getting cut off, I decided to write today. Write a lot; write whatever thoughts and garbage are there on my mind. I spend my entire time sitting in one chair in front of the computer in a sickly cold office, unable to write down my thoughts because of work. And when I go home and open a Word document to write, I am blank. My mind is blank and the opened Word document remains blank.

I do not like HR and I definitely do not like working in Corporate. Jail, I call it. We live like robots for almost 12 hours per day. We get ready and wear clothes that would be acceptable in a manufacturing set up, walk in a line (because the road is narrow) towards our buses. Sit down quietly for 40 minutes, dreading the day ahead. Again walk in a line through the gate, showing our I-cards to the guards, walk towards the punch machine on the marked lines. Every day, we first go to the canteen, stand in a queue to take food, punch our cards, eat and come to our places to sit continuously for 8 or more hours. After lunch, we look impatiently at the computer clock, waiting for 5:45 pm, which is our time to get out of hell.

I do not like to live by so many rules (who does?) – rules of time, place, actions, clothes. I want to do things I like doing. I want to do things when I want to do them. Not that I want to be idle and wile away my time. I want to sit for 8 hours in this chair only because I want to. I am not using any of my skills, interests and talents when I am spending my days in this office. This job does not involve creativity. It involves excel sheets, phone calls and bickering with people. The reason why I face a writer’s block everyday is because after spending the whole day among excel sheets and numbers, my creativity goes into hiding.

When I see people around me, I don’t think I fit in with them. Most of them are into Corporate because they don’t see anything beyond it. They do not know that there are other things that can be done. Many of them are stuck here because they could not make their dreams come true (I am one of them). And many of them are here because they don’t know what they wanted to do. (I am in this category too. I realized very late what I really enjoy doing but I am neck deep in Corporate already).

I regularly have friction and ego clashes with my colleagues. Tactics like shifting blame on each other, acting illogical because of ego and the like leave me frustrated, bitter and helpless. It’s not that if I really get into a creative line like designing or travel guide, I won’t face any issues. But maybe I will be more driven to fight them. Here, I don’t really want to put up any fight as I find it totally worthless.

Obviously, if I am holding this job, I will have to do fulfil all responsibilities that have been given to me and I cannot put the blame on anyone / anything. It’s me who has to deal with it – either by liking this job or by finding something that I would love doing. I do believe some day I will be out of this jungle. I would be freelancing in a field of my liking.

What Will I Be When I Grow Up?

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All of us have dreams of ‘What I will become when I grow’ when we were kids. I did not have any such dreams. Only when I entered my teens and completed my 10th standard, I decided that I wanted to become a Chartered Accountant (little did I know that this was a wrong decision). I was good in studies – Maths and Accountancy and concluded that CA was the best field for me. What other fields were available, anyway – Engineering (aarrgghhh), Arts (Pooh) and Medicine (Yuck)? I wish some angel had come that time and shown me in the crystal ball that Arts was the right field for me.

Anyway, with dreams of completing CA (and at the same time looking good and dressing up and designing my own clothes and getting myself photographed) and working in Australia in an office where I have a cabin of mine, I came to Bombay to study CA and work in my Uncle’s own firm. I failed miserably. Ok, I had the brains. I managed to clear quite a few exams but it just wasn’t working out for me. It was then I realized that my true inclination was arts / design. I got wild thoughts of trying my hand at fashion designing but my family totally objected to the idea and I got into a MBA college. A good one, that.

2 years passed and I knew nothing about Management or Human Resources in the end. All I earned in the 2 years were 2 best friends and a heart break. During this time, I danced and ramp-walked in college functions. I drew motifs in my private journal, mehendi on my own hand, painted and embroidered on fabric and experimented with clothes. I got kurtas made out of dupattas; I recycled my Aunt’s old clothes (since I didn’t have money to buy new stuff for myself). Credit goes to my Aunt for always encouraging me. Anyway, luck (if you may call it) shone on me and I ended up getting the highest paid job in HR on campus.

I then spent 4 years in Aurangabad being extremely excited and dedicated towards work. I realized in the 3rd year that I was not made for Corporate. I was (and still am) an artist by heart. I loved working by myself at any time I wanted and wanted to create beautiful pieces of art in the form of stories or pots or clothes. My first foreign tour happened during this time (to south East Asia) and I realized I wanted to travel the world. I started reading on different countries, what they wear and eat, the architecture they have there and the way the people look. When I travelled to Switzerland the next year, I was totally fascinated by foreign lands and was all the more driven to spend more and more time travelling.

I quit the hell-like life of Aurangabad and landed up in Surat. Here, my passions got shape. I developed a small garden in my balcony. I started showcasing my huge clothes, shoe and jewellery collection through my style blog. I developed love for old vintage rustic architecture. I learnt a bit of photography. And I started experimenting with cooking. Surprisingly, I am still in HR profession and manufacturing industry. But it doesn’t excite me. What excites me? Travel, photography. Food. Cooking. Fashion. Malls. Gardening. Craft. Handicraft fairs. Eating out with friends. Hindi movies. DIY projects.

Oh, I know why I am still stuck in Corporate. For money. And I am good enough to use it to earn a living.

But I see my life changing in future. I won’t be in HR for long. But what will I do? I don’t have one passion; I have 10 of them. Sometimes I want to be a travel guide. I would show people the palaces, forts and give interesting bits about the city. Or shall I focus on fashion? I have a great taste in fusion fashion; I can start this unique line on my own! And what about cooking? I am told that I put a magic touch to whatever I make because of my love for food and various flavours. I could focus full time on cooking and photography and have a dedicated blog on it. Is travel my forte? Writing about cities / towns / restaurants / fairs? Yes, I love travel, no doubt, and have been looking at places and people with an eccentric eye. I definitely love shooting and writing during travel. And don’t I need to hone my photography skills? Well, now at least I am sure of this; this I definitely need to learn. It goes with travel, cooking, fashion everything! This is how I can show my world to everyone!

I don’t know where life is going to take me. I don’t know what I will end up doing (Jack of all trades, Master of none?). But my life will change. Not anyone or anything but I can change my life. It takes guts to leave something as comfortable (9 to 5 job; no risk) and secure (continuous monthly income) as a corporate job. I don’t know when and how but my future will be different. I will no longer be working in a factory and wearing boring clothes. I hope exciting things are in for me in the future. But I just don’t know what I will be when I grow up!

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